Thursday, 28 May 2009

Mad Mad world

I was born feral, destined to listen and converse with my beautiful alternative family that came out of the mist and down the path underneath my bedroom window. My foxes sang songs, hundreds of years old and with one yelp expressed a conversation that was pure and held no human deception. They were exactly as their language and movements suggested and when they moved off across into ripened barley and disappeared tree by tree, lit up with sparks from the train tracks, I ached to follow them.

I witnessed in horror as people on horseback with hounds pursued them in the bitterness of winter.With furry mittens,hat and a pure wool coat I wondered why the hounds and horses betrayed their closest links to their own lost freedom. I wanted to shed all signs of being related to humans and run with rainbow hair trailing behind with war paint on my face to find my foxes and bop hounds and humans on the nose. Its all so black and white when you are 4 yrs old but the reality was that I was dragged off protesting loudly whilst surrounded by pro hunters and wearing what turned out to be a white rabbit fur hat.
I consequently spent enough time alone for the next few years that till this day I know all the words to Waterloo sunset from listening to the hand built radio in the huge kitchen.
From then it was all down hill as my beloved family of foxes were decimated and I was stuck with the humans and all their rules which made no sense and their language that spoke words that could never be relied upon. I was told to be nice to everyone but that meant of course everyone that others didn't want to hunt eat or wear on ones head.
At that early age I wanted to live up the field in a yurt with my GSD and several foxes and only come home for meals erstwhile fighting wrongs the rest of the time. I didn't know what I was but I knew that this was something that was discouraged by those in charge.

I survived my early traumas and graduated to disturbing shooting parties with my beloved pony and a dog. I could go further afield in a quest to find jungle life and escape the tyranny and blatant deception and violence of humans.
Violence being one of the deciding factors in my choice of siding with foxes. One day my dog was gone and then when I escaped tyranny for relative freedom my pony disappeared and I understood the brutality that some humans visit on others in an effort to control and bring them down to submission. Why break children ?

Sadly the damage is there like a festering bite that holds you to the back of the pack. The truth is that most people have these wounds inflicted on them and most cower into half the life they should have had. Some people learn to use it as an opportunity to fly. They laugh in the face of adversity, they thrive because so much of their imprinting was negative but if that's what you know best then there is security in that place and you return to it.

At 48 years old I'm still flying across fields with my much loved foxes only a few more animals have joined the chaos and pet jersey cows join in conversations with body language,gestures and bellowing alongside horses who turned out to be the ones I bonded with most. I'm still fighting wrongs and I can still spot cheats and liars as keenly now as ever before. I will still wear war paint and have my rainbow hair trailing because to me it represents honesty and truth that I knew was right before adults tried to convince me otherwise. I work with animals because I understand them in all their mannerisms and gestures. I understand their values and their loyalties.
Its a world I prefer to stay in because the humans that represent us all at the moment are viperous and shallow.

"Mad World"

" All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me"

I'm spending the day just catching up on stuff I'm meant to be doing and listening to a trance version of mad mad world took me back to a place of freedom. I know who I am now and what I want to be. I'm not sure it includes being friendly to humans.

No comments: